Sibling relationships are some of the most meaningful and complex connections in a child’s life. They can be full of joy, shared interests, and deep companionship, as well as moments of misunderstanding, overwhelm, or tension. For caregivers, supporting these relationships in ways that honor each child’s unique neurodivergent ways of thinking, feeling, and interacting helps build emotional resilience, mutual respect, and lasting connection.
Understanding Sibling Dynamics and Connection
Sibling dynamics naturally shift and vary widely. Differences in sensory processing, communication styles, emotional expression, or routines can all influence how siblings relate to each other. For example:
- A child with sensory sensitivities may find loud noises or close physical contact overwhelming during play. At the same time, their sibling might naturally enjoy physical rough play or tend to increase their volume when excited.
- A sibling who processes language or social cues differently may need more time to understand or respond in conversations, which could appear as ignoring or withdrawing, but is actually a different communication style.
What may seem like conflict can be a communication mismatch or a need for personal space. Underneath it all, siblings often want to feel seen, understood, and valued for who they are.
Key reminder: Prioritize strengthening connection and understanding between siblings, not just minimizing disagreements.
Supporting Emotional Regulation Between Siblings
When feelings become intense, children may need help co-regulating before they can communicate effectively. Outbursts, loud voices, or physical reactions can be signs of sensory overload, executive functioning challenges (like difficulty managing impulses), or intense emotions, not intentional misbehavior. Instead of rushing to punish or fix, support each child in recognizing their feelings, using calming strategies that work for them, and returning to a place of calm.
For instance:
- A child might need a quiet, low-stimulation space to calm down.
- Another might benefit from movement, like swinging or jumping, to regulate their body.
- Using visual supports (like emotion cards or a calm-down checklist) can help children who think more visually.
Try saying:
“I notice it’s a big moment right now. Let’s take some time to calm our bodies in the way that feels good before we talk.”
Encouraging Empathy and Collaboration
Empathy grows when children feel safe, understood, and supported in exploring others’ perspectives at their own pace. You can model empathy by naming feelings and experiences for each child and gently helping them imagine the other’s point of view, recognizing that different ways of expressing feelings are valid. An older sibling might have an easier time understanding and empathizing with a younger sibling, or a sibling with stronger communication tools may be able to communicate more easily than their sibling who is learning to talk.
Example:
“You wanted to play with the toy because it’s important to you, and your sibling grabbed it quickly because he isn’t able to talk like you yet. What could help both of you feel comfortable here?”
Remember that a child who struggles with social communication might need extra time or prompts to share their perspective, or might express their feelings in less typical ways (like drawing or using gestures).
Games that involve teamwork, shared responsibilities, or turn-taking can foster collaboration and fairness, but it’s essential to be flexible and honor each child’s need for breaks or alternative ways to participate.
Setting Boundaries and Fairness Without Comparison
Fairness isn’t about treating every child exactly the same. It’s about respecting each child’s unique needs and preferences. Avoid labeling or comparing children, as this can unintentionally reinforce negative self-perceptions or sibling rivalry. Instead, set clear, consistent boundaries that honor individual differences.
For example, a child with executive functioning challenges may need more reminders or structure to follow rules, while another child might self-manage more easily. Both approaches are valid.
Try saying:
“I’m here to help make sure everyone feels safe and respected, even if that looks different for each of you.”
Coaching Through Conflict Resolution
Sibling conflict is a chance to learn important skills like communication, empathy, and problem-solving. Guide children through the process gently, knowing they may need extra support and different approaches depending on their neurotypes.
Steps to teach:
- Take time to calm down in a way that works for each child.
- Share feelings or perspectives one at a time, in their own style (this might be spoken, written, or through role play).
- Reflect on what you hear, validating each experience.
- Brainstorm solutions together, being flexible and creative.
Balancing Time and Attention Among Children
Children often feel loved through attention and presence, but their needs for interaction vary widely. When one child needs extra support, it’s important to also find moments of connection with each sibling in ways that work for them. Even small, focused interactions, like a shared activity, quiet time, or a special task, can strengthen bonds.
For example, a child who is easily overwhelmed might prefer a quiet one-on-one outing, while their sibling might enjoy a more active shared playtime.
Routines like bedtime rituals, one-on-one time, or collaborative projects can nurture connection while respecting individual rhythms.
Fostering Individual Identity in Each Child
Siblings may share a home, but they are each their own person with unique strengths, interests, and ways of being in the world. Celebrate these differences and encourage children to explore their own friendships, hobbies, and goals without comparison.
Affirming words:
“I love who you are — all your unique ways of thinking, feeling, and expressing yourself.”
Don’t Forget about Your own Self-Care
As parents, we can easily hit our limits when triggered by sibling conflict, especially while trying to affirm and manage each child’s unique needs. Remember that there is no coregulation when you, as the coregulator, are maxed out. Take time to check in with your own regulation and energy to make sure you have the capacity to take on the challenge. This can look like stating out loud: “Kids, I want to help, but I need a minute first,” or “I will help you figure this out after I drink some water and use the bathroom, so I can be more ready.” Taking deep breaths, taking a moment to gather yourself, or expressing your own feelings of frustration is a great way to model self-care and self-advocacy for your kids!
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Here at Irvine Therapy Services, we love supporting parents to learn and understand each child’s unique strengths. If you’d like help managing sibling dynamics or understanding each child’s profile better, we have workshops and consultations for just those reasons! Check out our Parent Empowerment page, and join our next Sibling Dynamics Discussion coming up very soon!
Live, virtual, and recorded options! Click Here for more information.
(949) 252-9946 or support@irvinetherapyservices.com