When we see a child act out, shut down, or behave in ways that seem “unexpected,” it’s easy to focus on what’s happening right in front of us. But what if we paused for a moment, looked deeper, and asked: What is this child trying to tell me?
Especially for neurodivergent children — children who experience, process, and interact with the world differently due to conditions like autism, ADHD, sensory processing differences, and others — behavior is often not just behavior. It is communication.
Behavior Is the Tip of the Iceberg
Imagine behavior like an iceberg. What we see on the surface — meltdowns, refusals, hyperactivity, withdrawal — is only a small part of the story. Beneath the waterline lie emotions, unmet needs, sensory overload, struggles with communication, anxiety, confusion, and more. When we react only to the surface, we miss the depth and meaning underneath.
For neurodivergent children, many behaviors that might be labeled as “defiant,” “disruptive,” or “noncompliant” are actually expressions of:
- Overwhelm from sensory input that feels unbearable
- Confusion about unclear expectations
- Fatigue from the constant effort of masking or trying to “fit in”
- Anxiety about transitions, uncertainty, or social demands
- Need for autonomy when they feel powerless
- Difficulty communicating emotions or needs verbally
Understanding this shifts our perspective from, “How do I stop this behavior?” to “What is this child trying to tell me?”
Looking Beneath: A New Lens
When we view behavior as communication, we start asking different, more compassionate questions:
- Is this child overwhelmed?
- Are they trying to regain a sense of control?
- Is their body telling them they need to move, rest, or regulate?
- Are they struggling with the words to explain their feelings?
This mindset helps us respond in ways that support the child’s underlying needs rather than simply trying to “fix” or “correct” the behavior.
It’s also important to remember that many neurodivergent children are excellent at masking — hiding their struggles to appear “okay” — until they can’t anymore. When the mask comes off, the behaviors we see may seem “sudden,” but they often come after a long period of internal struggle.
Responding with Empathy
When we recognize behavior as communication, our role shifts. We become detectives and allies rather than judges. Here are a few ways we can respond:
- Validate emotions: “It looks like you’re feeling really overwhelmed right now. I’m here to help.”
- Offer regulation tools: Provide access to sensory supports, quiet spaces, or movement breaks.
- Adjust the environment: Sometimes changing the surroundings can prevent overload or frustration.
- Teach self-advocacy: Help children learn to express their needs in ways that feel safe and doable for them.
- Build trust: Responding consistently with empathy and patience teaches children that they are safe to be their authentic selves.
Final Thoughts
Neurodivergent children aren’t “misbehaving” — they are communicating. Our job isn’t to silence or suppress them; it’s to listen deeply, understand fully, and respond with the compassion they deserve.
When we take the time to look below the surface, we don’t just change behavior.
We build connection.
We foster trust.
And we empower children to thrive.
Join our upcoming Parent Workshop: Challenging Behaviors for more support!